Last weekend I had the opportunity to be a part of my good friends wedding. It was a beautiful ceremony filled with even more beautiful people. However, though I was trying my hardest to be happy for my two friends, I was disgusted by just how patriarchal this tradition is.
Though most of you reading this have probably already experienced similar moments of epiphany, I will cite two common examples of how the traditional wedding ceremony perpetuates patriarchy.
1. The pastor asks, “Who gives this woman, to be married to this man?” The bride’s father responds, “Her mother and I.”
2. After the bride and groom kiss the pastor declares, “I now present to you Mr. & Mrs. (Groom’s first and last name).”
Both of these traditional components of a marriage ceremony support the idea that woman are property that is traded between households. No one gives the man to be married, nor does a bride ever brand her husband with the name of her mother.
As I was standing at this wedding, reflecting on all the weddings I have attended I thought to myself, would my wedding be any different? YES! If I truly believe that patriarchy is oppressive, I cannot consciously act in a way that perpetuates it.
So if I marry, this is what my wedding will look like.
1. I refuse to brand the person I marry with my last name.
2. I will not keep friends from my side of the wedding court just because they have a vagina. Traditionally, grooms select groom’s men to represent their ability to protect their bride to be. In contrast, brides select bride’s mates to compliment their beauty. This is an archaic tradition founded in a patriarchal ideology that I cannot support. My side of the court will be the friends and family that I wish to be there to publicly support me in the ceremony.
3. Neither of our families will give us away. If I marry, it will be because another person and I, as autonomous individuals, decided to commit to each other. Not because our families found our union economically, politically, or socially advantageous.
4. In wedding ceremonies, as well as in art, women are commonly portrayed as passive objects of beauty and men as the able actors. One of the clearest manifestations of this is the common phrase, “You may kiss the bride.” Since the man is the actor it therefore falls upon him to complete the necessary action. At my wedding, we will kiss each other.
5. Either both of us wear white or neither of us wears white. Traditionally, the bride’s white dress symbolizes her purity. However, neither purity nor a symbol of purity is required of the groom. Though the reason for this double standard is clear few ever take a moment to think about it. Traditionally a bride’s value is dependent on her beauty. If her virginity has been compromised then it is held that her beauty is as well. Since a groom’s value has been traditionally placed on his strength, his virginity is not a major concern (though more often then not a man’s experienced in sex is held with greater stature) and therefore must not be symbolized in the ceremony. Virginity is a social construct that has been used to oppress women and has no inherent value outside of that which we place on it; there is no physical state of virginity.
6. Any suggestions?
Para la liberación,
Mateo
